Debunking A Common Dating Myth

"There are no decent single men/women available."
"I'm going to have to settle because there's no one else out there."
"All the good ones are taken."

If any of these excuses sound familiar, you shouldn't give up on your search for love. You just need to rethink your attachment to the scarcity myth that singles suffer from. How? Participate in the following fun three-week experiment. All you need is an open mind, a few spare minutes each day, and a desire to change your dating karma.


Week #1: Start by making eye contact with someone you find attractive (who you don't know) every day for a week. You can do this in the elevator in your office building, while picking out produce at the grocery store, in line for your morning latte, or in a social setting (bar, party, picnic, etc.). It's not important where you do this exercise, only that you start getting comfortable making eye contact with potential partners.

Week #2: The following week, make eye contact and smile at at least one person you find attractive every day.

Chances are good that you'll get a smile back. It doesn't have to go any further than that (don't expect him/her to ask for your digits). This is simply an exercise in getting comfortable engaging potential partners. Short on time? Suggested locations to smile and make eye contact on the go include the gym, while stuck in traffic, picking up your dry cleaning, or while grabbing a quick bite out of the office.

Week #3: During the third week of this exercise, make eye contact, smile, and make small talk with at least one person you find attractive every day. If the idea of small talk gets you tongue-tied, relax. Start simply and slowly. Remember, this doesn't have to be rocket science. You don't have to think of the wittiest conversation-starter ever. The goal is to just get the ball rolling. Potential conversation-starters can be as simple as:Hi. (Seriously, that counts!)

How's your day going?

I dig your shoes/tie/suit/dress. Where'd you get them/it?

Once you've opened up the conversation, don't look away. Maintain eye contact, smile, and wait for his/her response. If it invites additional conversation, great! If not, your job for the day is done and you can move on. If for some reason, the object of your attention is rude or dismissive, don't take it personally.


“Rejection is part of the dating process.”
Rejection is part of the dating process. Chalk it up to experience, let go, and try again tomorrow.The point of this exercise is to debunk the scarcity myth by showing yourself that there's actually an abundance of potential partners in your everyday life. They may not always be interested, they may not always be available, but by getting into the practice of noticing and acknowledging them, you're more likely to spot the ones who are interested and available when they present themselves to you.


Now, if your routine goes something like this: home, work, gym, home, then you've got to shake things up. At least once a week from now on, break with routine and put yourself in a target-rich environment. Suggested activities include:

1. Stop by the bookstore after work and browse a topic of interest while keeping your eye out for any cuties.

2. You can also recruit your pals for an after work drink at a local hotspot. In addition to hanging with your buddies, scope out the scene for potential partners.

3. Do some research for a fun singles' activity, i.e. online dating, speed dating, a networking mixer, or Sierra Club hike and go for it. Find a cause near and dear to your heart and volunteer on a Saturday or Sunday. You never know who you'll meet!


These are just some of the suggested activities you should engage in. Remember, the goal is not necessarily to score a date, but to get you out of your monotonous routine that may be keeping you from meeting potential partners. The more you put yourself in target-rich environments and get comfortable talking to strangers, the better.

Good luck and happy dating!

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How To Meet People Online

Although young, I have to admit that I have met quite a large number of people online. Most of them are friends, but a couple turned into something a little more intimate and I've been dating one of them for nearly two years now – next month we're moving in together!

Now this is not a guide for anyone who's already met people from the internet. I doubt I have anything stunningly new to point out to someone who's already a seasoned cyber-chatter, but for the beginner who's only just discovered the wonderful world of online dating for adults this should give you an idea of some of the places there are, how you can get chatting, how and when to develop the relationship and meeting up in person.

Firstly let's have a look at the various ways of meeting people.

1- The online forum.

This is a good way to start off and you've already found a website where you can start off, for example Literotica has an excellent forum where you can chat with others about writing and all things erotic.

The basic idea of a forum is a community based on a common hobby, belief or interest. Whatever you're into, there's probably a forum out there for you. This is one of the main benefits of a forum – you've already got one thing in common with everyone on there. What a great place to start.

Secondly there's the fact that it's very flexible and totally anonymous. You generally have to register with the site, but you can create an online alter-ego and there's no need for a photograph or any identifying element.

Forums work by having a series of topics (ie- on a cookery site, appetisers, starters, main courses etc) and each of these contains individual conversations or 'threads' started by one of the members (ie- 'anyone know how long to cook a whole chicken?')

Other members can then reply to this thread with their ideas and opinions and there's no time constraint on replying – no-one will get cross if you don't reply immediately.

Forums offer you a chance to talk to a huge number of people about a huge number of things with no pressure. If you want to talk more to someone then you can send them a private message.

2- The mailing list

This has a similar community feel as a forum, but instead of you going to the website to talk, the talk comes to you.

Again mailing lists are based on a common hobby etc, and different topics are divided up by having different e-mail topics.

There are various places where you can sign up for a mailing list, yahoo has one of the most popular with a huge variety of categories. Once you are signed up you will start getting e-mails from the list, for instance if the list you signed up to was called rockmusicuk then that's the sender who will appear in the list of e-mails.

If you reply to this e-mail then that will be sent out to everybody on the list, including you. If you want to start a new topic, then instead of replying to previous e-mails, you simply send a new e-mail to the list's e-mail address.

With me so far?

The downside of this is that your e-mail address will be displayed to those on the list, but if you want to retain your anonymity for the time-being, just set up a new account with a free e-mail server, like hotmail or googlemail.

3- Friendship or Adult Dating Websites

Right, now we come to the crux of the matter.

I've met people through both the other methods, but this is where the mice are divided from the men.

Many of these websites charge you a small amount in order to join, but there are several very good free ones which I'd recommend for a beginner. I've been using such sites for seven years and I still only use the free ones, so don't dismiss them as a long-term solution.

Right, now the hows, whys and wherefores.

Dating sites rely on each member creating an individual profile and then browsing other profiles to find someone they want to talk to. This has several obvious up and down –sides.

The ups first.

Obviously you've tailored your profile so it gives a much clearer picture of you and so has everyone else. This means that you're basing any friendship (or more) on a larger number of things than just the one hobby in common. There's also the distinct bonus that everyone on there is actively looking to meet new friends or lovers.

Downsides

These are fairly obvious. Your anonymity is compromised somewhat. I'll get to the specifics of creating a good profile later, but most of them will include at least one picture and that means you can be recognised. Be aware of this. Sod's law (aka Murphy's law) dictates that there's a distinct possibility someone you know will happen across your profile and then you'll be busted. Are you prepared to be outed?

Another downside – you will get messages from freaks and weirdos and foreigners wanting to marry you to get residence in your country. Delete and ignore.

Creating a Profile

Do include a photograph. You may get some messages, but seriously, with a photograph you will probably increase interest by about 10 times.

Rules for photographs.

a) think carefully about what you are looking for. If all you want is sex then a naked/erotic/underwear photograph is obviously the most appropriate. If you want a friend, include photos of you doing the things you love – dancing, skiing, whatever. If you want a partner/lover then include photos of you doing things you love, but also some showing you how you are in downtime – relaxing with a book or by the sea, cuddling a dog, whatever you think is appealing really.

b) Don't include any identifying information. Check carefully for streetnames if it's taken near your home, addressed envelopes, car registration plates, university name/logo, workplace or full name.

c) Do include more than one picture. This gives a much clearer picture of how you look. It's all very well including flattering photos, but do you really want to meet someone in person and have them go 'Ugh!'? Be honest right from the start and you won't get hurt by rejection later.

Rules for personal information.

a) If you use your real name, make sure it's first name only.

b) Be reasonably general about your location. Give the name of the nearest large town, for example, rather than the tiny place of about 2,000 inhabitants where you really live.

c) Be very specific about what you DO and DON'T want. If smoking is a no-no then say so right now. If you're only looking for friends, make it clear and if you're bisexual and only want to meet one gender, then let them know.

d) Do not lie or be vague about important stuff. This includes: children, drugs, smoking, drinking, religion, current marital status, weight and, for some, dietary requirements (such as allergies or veganism). This is not a definitive list, but use your common sense – is there something about you that you or other people feel strongly about? Mention it.

e) Most profiles include a section for some personal notes where you can write a bit about yourself that might not be included in the set questions. This is your chance to make a mark and display your sense of humour and personality. Do be original, do be funny and try to avoid any contentious statements. Here might also be the place to list any specific requirements you have, such as a man who likes cats or a girl who is educated to at least degree level.

f) Personal description: follow the above rules. Be honest. If you're a size 16 then say so – then at least only people who like bigger girls will contact you.

Sending a private message

The initial message is pretty important. Like the personal statement section, this is your chance to display your personality and make an impression. Keep it light, mention something they said which amused or interested you. Make it clear why you messaged them – did you just want to chat, are you bored, are you looking for a friend or a lover or did you want to talk dirty? Don't sound too desperate, don't be too 'wacky', it'll just freak them out if they don't know you and keep it short.

Here's an example of the kind of thing that should elicit a response...

Hey! Just saw your profile and was really interested to see that you liked Douglas Adams – that guy is a genius! Anyways, I'm just hanging around, insomnia is a killer, message me back if you want to chat. So long and thanks for all the fish Vermilion

If you follow all this then hopefully you should meet some people you have things in common with and be able to bulk out your instant messenger list a bit!

Of course, now you've met someone it's not the end; there's still a lot of work to do before you become proper friends and especially before you meet them in person, but that's a story for another day. Watch this space...


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Could Sex Save Your Life?

www.independent.co.uk
Making love doesn't just help you feel good. It also burns calories, boosts your immune system – and can even reduce the risk of cancer.

Boosting self-esteem was one of the 237 reasons people have sex, according to a study conducted last year by researchers from the University of Texas and published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. This is no surprise to Julia Cole, author of How to Have Great Sex for the Rest of Your Life. She is convinced that a healthy sex life with a loving partner does wonders for the way you feel about yourself. "After a bout of sex the body releases endorphins, which are known as 'happy chemicals' because they improve mood," she says. "Purely from a physical point of view it's similar to enjoying a good workout or going swimming – but if you're having sex with someone you love it also makes you feel cared for and promotes self-esteem."

The proviso, of course, is that if your sexual experiences are unhappy ones, they will have a similarly negative impact upon your psyche. But assuming the sex is good, it is thought to improve body image, as well as reducing anxiety and the incidence of psychiatric illness, depression and suicide. A 2004 study of men from four different cultures found that sexual satisfaction was directly associated with an increased frequency in sexual intercourse, as well as being inversely related to depression.

During orgasm the body produces oxytocin, which is a hormone linked to a range of positive physical and psychological effects. Chief among these is its beneficial impact on sleep. "There's no doubt that sex is relaxing and so helps tackle insomnia," says Dr David Delvin, a GP and specialist in sexual medicine. "Lots of people use sex, whether with a partner or on their own, as a way of getting to sleep. That's down to the surge in oxytocin during arousal and orgasm, which is a natural sedative."

This view is backed up by a US study carried out in 2000, which found that 32 per cent of the 1,866 female respondents who reported masturbating in the previous three months did so to help them sleep.

One of sex's main health benefits is its positive impact on how we deal with stress. In a study published in the journal Biological Psychology, 24 women and 22 men kept records of their sexual activity. The researchers subjected them to stressful situations, such as public speaking and doing verbal arithmetic. Those who had intercourse had better responses to stressful scenarios than those who had either engaged in other sexual behaviours or abstained altogether.

According to Julia Cole, this could be down to the soothing effect another person's touch has. She says: "A great deal of research has shown that touch has a naturally calming effect on human beings, whether it's linked to sex or not. Of course, being touched by someone you care about will double the calming effect."

Apart from the obviously pleasurable sensation of being touched or stroked, it is thought to have a biochemical effect, reducing the levels of cortisol – the hormone that is secreted when you're under stress.

Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, or IgA, which can protect you from colds and other sorts of infections. Scientists at Wilkes University in the US tested IgA levels in 112 college students who reported the frequency of their sexual activity. Those students in the "frequent" group had higher levels of IgA than those who were either abstinent or had sex less than once a week.

Paula Hall, a psychosexual therapist with Relate, also thinks that the impact of sex on our general wellbeing helps to boost immunity. "All the psychological benefits have an impact on your physical health, such as your immune system," she says. "We know that when you're feeling good about yourself your body fights off illness and disease better – so the healthier we are psychologically and emotionally, the healthier we are physically."

Frequent ejaculations may reduce the risk of prostate cancer for men in later life, according to a study by Australian researchers reported in the British Journal of Urology International. When they followed men diagnosed with prostate cancer and those without it, the researchers found that men who had at least five or more ejaculations weekly during their twenties reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer by a third.

"The evidence is good that men who masturbated regularly in the past are less likely to get prostate cancer," confirms Dr Delvin. "Nobody knows exactly why this is, but it does seem to be pretty cast-iron."

Research also suggests that regular sexual activity could help women to avoid breast cancer. A study conducted in 1989 examined 146 French women and found a higher risk of breast cancer in those women without sexual partner or who had sex less than once a month.

Having sex and orgasms is a key part of improving intimacy and ensuring a healthy long-term relationship – which has been linked to a longer lifespan in a number of studies. It's all down to oxytocin again. "Oxytocin, also called the 'bonding hormone', is released when women give birth, so it is part of the bonding process with their baby," says Julia Cole. "It's also released in people who are in secure or long-term relationships, as well as during sexual contact. This bonding effect is one of the reasons people continue to have a sexual relationship long after they have ceased to be fertile."

This was backed up by a study conducted by researchers from the University of Pittsburgh. They evaluated 59 premenopausal women before and after warm contact with their partners ended with hugs. The study found that the more contact the women had, the higher their oxytocin levels were.

And studies in which couples were asked to go without sex for long periods found that their general relationship declined, indicating that sex has a powerful bonding effect for couples. "There's also the slightly more indefinable feeling that you are thought to be attractive and someone your partner wants to be with and touch," adds Cole. "That's very important – often when I see couples who are in trouble they have stopped having sex, and one of them will say their partner no longer thinks of them as attractive."

Sex has been linked with a pain reduction for a wide range of conditions, including lower back pain, migraines, arthritis and premenstrual syndrome symptoms. It's all down to those hormones again. "Sex increases endorphins, the body's natural painkillers," confirms Dr Delvin. "So there is evidence that having sex eases period pain and PMS."

Oxytocin is also linked with pain relief. In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, 48 volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapour and then had their fingers pricked reduced their sensitivity to pain by half.

In 2001, two studies of orgasms and migraine headaches in a woman and man found that orgasm resulted in pain relief. And an earlier study of 83 women who suffered from migraines reported that orgasm resulted in pain relief for more than half of the group. Although this form of pain relief is less reliable and effective than the use of drug therapies, the effects of orgasm as an analgesic are more rapid.

Sexual activity, like other forms of exercise, burns both calories and fat. Thirty minutes of energetic sex burns 85 calories or more. Although this may not sound like much, it does add up – 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, which is enough to lose a pound. "Sex does burn calories, so it's comparable to moderate exercise like doing the housework or going swimming," says Dr Delvin. And it is, clearly, a great deal more fun.

But there is something of a chicken-and-egg element here, because people who lead more active sex lives tend to exercise more regularly and physical exercise improves sexual health. A 1990 study that followed 78 men over a nine-month period found that with consistent aerobic exercise, participants had an increase in frequency of sexual activity, improvement in performance and an increased ability to reach a "satisfying" orgasm.

One of the most extensive studies into the relationship between sex and mortality was carried out in Caerphilly, South Wales, from 1979 to 1983, with a 10-year follow-up. In the study, 918 men were given a physical examination and asked about their frequency of orgasm. After 10 years it was found that the mortality risk was 50 per cent lower among men who had frequent orgasms – which was defined as two or more per week. The study also found that, even when adjusting for age and other risk factors, frequent intercourse was associated with lower incidence of cardiovascular disease and stroke.

"There has been a great deal of research into whether people in relationships live longer," adds Paula Hall. "We know that having a strong relationship is a good indicator of longevity – and a healthy sex life is a big part of that."


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Women Stripping To Make Ends Meet

www.wflxfox29.com
WEST PALM BEACH, FL (WFLX) - The sluggish economy is forcing some women to take a job they never imagined. Tough times are apparently calling for tremendous measures.

Fox 29 spoke with a 22 year old who is taking it all off just to make ends met, and she isn't the only one.

Cheetah Gentleman's Club of West Palm Beach says they're seeing a jump in women who want to take to the pole to pay their bills.

"It's not a respectable job, and I work just to get out of here," says a 22 year old who is goes by the stage name 'Tiffany'.

Tiffany who is tall and seemingly bright, looks like someone you would sit next to at church. She's articulate and polite. She not your average stripper. In fact, she's a collage student with dreams of becoming much more.

"I'm planning to go to dental school in the next couple years," says Tiffany.

For this young woman taking it all off onstage is top secret. No one knows she's a stripper - not her friends, not her family. "I have five brothers and sisters. One who is participating in the Olympics, my brother is a firefighter, and my sister is a teacher."

It's hard to believe but, she says, she's just a student who takes it all off because she can't find employment anywhere else. "I have to live, and no one else is going to pay for it, so I need to pay for it myself."

Desperate times bring desperate measures. While Tiffany says she's nervous on the dance floor, she adds it pays off when she pockets hundreds at the end of the night.

It turns out strip clubs are being hit by the hard times, too. A year ago the ladies at Cheetah say they made more than $1,000 per night. But, now, they're lucky to walk with more than $400 in their pocket.

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Women Watch Porn To Please Men?

www.smh.com.au
Porn is everywhere you look. In magazines, on TV and bellowing out on billboards in Times Square (Jenna Jameson owns one that's three-stories high, which makes her double Ds look the size of a small plane!). Yet when a staggering survey revealed that one in three Aussie women regularly watch porn, the blokes were aghast.

"Surely this isn't so?" they wondered with glee.

"Surely women are opposed to our obsession with it, hence our need to hide our video tapes and internet download usage from them at all possible times?"

Especially considering when Kinsey wrote his famous sex report in 1953, female fans of porn were largely absent. But it seems not anymore, with an Elle/MSNBC.com poll discovering that alongside us Aussie gals, a whopping 41 per cent of women in the US have viewed or downloaded erotic films or photos ...

So what's going on? Why the sudden shift?

Some view this newfound sense of sexual freedom as a by-product of the rise of porn star as the new "it" female profession. Think Hugh Hefner's girlfriends, Kim Kardashian and Denise Richards to name just a few.

As Pamela Paul, author of Pornified: How Porn is Ruining Our Lives, Our Relationships And Our Families writes: "Popular culture promotes the wild fun and whimsy of the girl who loves pornography." She goes on to explain that thanks to pop culture, porn popular culture tells us that women who watch porn are fun, whimsy and celebrities. There's Carmen Electra on MTV, Pamela Anderson on everything and even Kate Hudson admitting she's a fan of striptease and a gym workout.

And while many might argue that by taking it all off, these ladies have lost all cred, tact and yet gained a few male fans along the way, it seems more and more brave femmes aren't scared to expand their sexual repertoire in more ways than one.

Whether it be learning to striptease, getting more risky in the bedroom or viewing a little bit of titillating material online in hope of spicing things up in the bedroom, one thing is for sure: women no longer seem to be afraid to embrace their sexual side. Add to that the staggering 900 sex shops that are currently opening their doors daily in Australia, (that's up from 500 in 2003) and it's simple to see why more and more Aussie gals are getting more satisfied each day.

The trouble of course, is that while some women don't mind a bit of male-orientated action, others are completely adverse to the types of things they see being played out which they reckon is more degrading than empowering.

The infamous "Girl with a one track mind" sex blogger concurs. She says that while erotica and porn are great for stimulation, by her reckoning women have a duty to control it. "I like porn," she told The Guardian newspaper. "But I think we need to take control of it as women, and make better porn."

In other words perhaps what we need is more foreplay, more romance, more kissing after sex and more (gasp!) story line ... now wouldn't that be porn that women would want to see ...

What do you think? Do women like/hate porn? Is it trendy? Is porn more geared towards men?

And... why do men like hookers? This week's question comes from reader Milfred. She writes ...

"What is so great about hookers? I found out that my husband was cheating on me with prostitutes. He had a massive problem and couldn't stop going to them. We had a very dizzy, romantic courting with a beautiful wedding and honeymoon. Soon after I could feel him becoming more and more distant and he would regularly go out for 'work drinks'. I trusted him completely, even though it upset me that I was not included and he would return home in the early hours of the morning.

"We have been to a councilor, who urged me to put it behind me. Leave it in the past, as he thought my husband was making all the right steps to change. Easier said than done.

"I get really frustrated and angry that it's this big shameful secret and I'm not allowed to know any details. Also he always seems to be too tired for me sexually. I feel rejected. I'm a beautiful intelligent woman and I would leave him if we didn't have children. It does my head in. The worst thing is the feeling that I don't know something that these women do.

"What am I missing? It makes me feel inferior, and his old obsession has become mine. It plagues my mind. Oh, you also need to know, that I have never rejected sex from him, I love sex and seem to have a greater sexual appetite than he. Except now I have stopped trying because I feel like I'm forcing him and he prefers hookers."

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The Sad Sexual Secrets Of Women

Enjoy Privat Show

Juicyclit

My real name is Katerina and I am from Russia. I picked my webcam chat name as Juicyclit because my clit is always wet. I have sex on my brain all the time and just thinking about sex gets me dripping wet. I love chatting with different guys online and doing some hot naughty things. I have all kinds of toys and will use them if you want me to. I'm a little bit submissive so I like a guy who will take charge and tell me what he likes and what he wants. Let's hook up and getting wet together.

Come and see now!

www.news.com.au
JANETTE'S drink was spiked, then three men raped her. Sophie is in the midst of an affair and says she has never felt so sexy. Margie just reckons her husband is "an awful f...".

These stories are the underbelly of the sex lives of Australian women according to a new book, Sex Lives Of Australian Women, by Joan Sauers.

But it is no work of fiction. The stories are from an anonymous online survey of 2000 women, which revealed that Aussie women are rewriting their sex lives, throwing off taboos and experimenting wildly in the bedroom.

According the survey we've rejected the notion of monogamy, with older married women far less likely to feel guilty taking a lover than younger women. Those of us between 20 and 59 acquire an average of 13 different sex partners over the course of our sex lives.

We're masturbating more, we're sick of our partners not bothering with foreplay and we think our partners are selfish to achieve orgasm before us.

But, overwhelmingly, we're bored in the bedroom, causing many of us to stray in search of sexual thrills - which might explain why more of us are watching pornography to spice up our sex lives.

One respondent was so disappointed with the quality of porn movies available, she starred in her own.

"A lot of women described how porn is OK, but they would like it a lot better if it was made by women for women and then they would like to look at it with their partners and use it as a stimulant," Sauers said.

On the downside porn, while titillating, had added "a whole new level of anxiety, not just about the body but about performance", Sauers said.

She said that, while porn does carry risks because a small percentage of men become addicted, "to dismiss porn out of hand as an enemy of sexuality and an enemy of relationships is a mistake".

Disturbingly, the survey results showed that one in three women has experienced some sort of sexual assault, even in their relationships.

"A lot of women thought rape was unwanted sexual intercourse, but being forced to have oral sex and other sexual manhandling are all forms of sexual assault; but it is rape," Sauers said.

"They have been forced to have sex and that is shocking. There were so many sad stories and the sadness ... just dripped off the page."

The survey showed that the Australian woman was suffering from a bit of attention deficit from her partner.

One in every two women said they could take or leave sex and most wanted more intimacy and more meaningful sex.

"They want men to take more time and the really big one is, women want emotional intimacy before sex."

Take note, fellas.

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